Match Report: The Plastics XI are recycled as King’s Road avoiding bottling it!!

Full Scorecard:

Some people dream of princes and frogs
Some people dream of toads,
But cricketers wake up in buckets of sweat,
After nightmares of playing the Road.

Another day, another delicious demolishing of eleven pretenders to the South London cricketing crown.

King’s Road came into their match against the Plastics seeking a second win in two days, and a third on the bounce. Thanks to the brutal batting of Chris ‘Little Bear’ Brown and newfound seaming sensation ‘Wizard of’ Os…man Khan, they romped home to victory.

Battersea Park (soon to be rechristened Baettersea Park by detestable millennials) is proving a fruitful hunting ground for the road this season and mood in the camp was confident once Sherman, whiskers gleaming in the afternoon sun, won the toss and batted.

Plastics CC were an unknown quantity, so steady accumulation seemed the order of the day as Matt Small and Raju Mazumder strode forth to bat. But Small, he of exaggerated leaving fame, had other ideas. As Raju anchored down one end with an array of textbook forward defensives, Small launched a stinging assault, peppering the square leg boundary with sweeps, pulls, paddles and more sweeps until he was trapped LBW for a swift 25.

Peter Jackson-Eastwood loped to the crease, deftly guided the ball down to third man for four before hanging around on the back foot like the useless root-footed tree that he is to have his timber rearranged for 6. This brought last week’s star man Jamie Williams to the crease, and he looked in sumptuous form as he timed a cut to the cover boundary to get off the mark. Analysing the conditions and bowling, and realising there was a run-feast to be had, he promptly lofted the ball straight down the throat of the only fielder outside the circle down to fine leg for 5.

Captain Dan Sherman was the new man, and with wickets tumbling he knew that a captain’s innings was required. Early signs were promising as he struck two quick boundaries. But then disaster struck: as the pink-headbanded bowler (already vanquisher of JW) ambled towards him, Sherman – channelling his inner Keats – fell to one knee and struck a lusty blow across the line… only he was 34 minutes too early, and the ball sailed past his bat and his carefully-oiled whiskers, bounced seven times and dislodged the bails.

Elliot Small was next in, and looked in sharp touch until the ball struck his pads high and extremely leg side. He thought he was safe, but he hadn’t reckoned with Osman, whose finger was up so quickly that one can only assume he thought he’d heard Megan Fox say she had an itchy bum. Raju’s mighty vigil would end soon after, as he was bowled by a cracking delivery for an enterprising 15 from 47 balls.

Enter birthday boy Chris Brown and the Mobot, Mo Shaboodien. Cometh the hour, cometh the strikers of boundaries who don’t like running between the wickets. A mammoth stand of 123 ensued. Brown flayed the ball around with trademark brute strength and precision placement: one late cut to point was timed so beautifully that the ball sped up as it danced across the outfield. Mo was playing a wonderful hand himself, succeeding where JW had failed as he hoiked the ball over the long leg boundary for a mighty six.

Browny would carry his bat for a personal best of 77 while Mo fell for 42 trying to accelerate the score. A late flourish from Breezy, Richard Peralta and Osman Khan saw The Road to a commanding total of 219-8 from their 40 overs.

Teas were now consumed, pleasantries exchanged, but before long it was back down to business.

Chris ‘trundling death’ Brown, not content with his batting heroics claimed the first wicket, a wonderful umpiring decision – the opener had absolutely middled it. Ever a tantrum-loving penis, Brown refused to celebrate.

Matt Small, slight of stature but large of heart now came steaming in seeking a first wicket of the season, and he didn’t have to wait long. First he took the edge of Bradburn, caught by a juggling Mo at first slip, before Brown – who at this point was just showing off – sprung into the air to cling onto a catch for the ages in the gully.

Plastics may well have been wondering how it could get any worse, but they hadn’t reckoned with Skipper Shermanator’s secret weapon – the Wizard of Os(man). A spellbinding… spell of magical deliveries culminated in a debut Road’s wicket as the other stubborn opening batsman’s resistance was ended. Oz’s sleight of hand grabbed him two more wickets via lbw (one out, one dubious) before he summoned the last of his mighty wizard power to cast his favourite spell: STUMPO DELETO – to send the bail cartwheeling into the stratosphere.

Rich P had been getting some lovely shape from the other end, and one ball nipped off a glorious length to once again rearrange the stumps (we really are giving the stumps a battering this year chaps). Raju entered the fray with his wily leg spin and picked up the most dubious lbw of the lot – not only refusing to appeal, but then looking like he’d just been slapped with a wet fish when the decision was given.

A plucky last partnership took Plastics to 128, with number 6 Lizut striking an impressive 52 before Jackson Eastwood claimed a first Road wicket with a ball that kissed the surface, snuck past the bat and pinged into the top of off stump. Finally PJE proving he’s more than just a really good appealer and tea-maker.

The day belonged to Brown and Osman – two performances that we will probably not tell our grandchildren about, but only because we’re all so bloody jealous. A mention also for Elliot, like a jaguar behind the stumps.

And I leave you with a quote of the day, from unknown to Brown: “Look CB, I don’t tell you how to bowl so don’t tell me how to eat tea.”

Until next time…

Author: Peter Jackson-Eastmond

Author: Matt Small

Fast Bowler Extraordinaire & Media Secretary 2017