MATCH REPORT: Road’s Small Cocken not enough to penetrate the Fudge

Full Scorecard:

King’s Road found that they had bit off more than they could chew against the Fudge, as the heroics of Small-Cocken wasn’t enough to prevent a premature ending to the match, and a heavy defeat.

On a pitch greener than Chris Brown’s face after a visit to the Dundonald Rec bushes, Skipper SherDan won the toss and said ‘let’s have a bloody bowl’. And bowl we did.

Browny, plodding in like a junior bear who had let himself go in the cold winter months, struck first, roaring for his porridge as he trapped the opening bat in front for 0. Not bad CB, not bad at all.

At the other end, The Wizard Osman Khan opened up his bag of tricks. His spells were proving ineffective though, as the batsmen showed themselves adept at counter cursing. Only after employing a brand new phantasm – ‘Umpire Seducto!’ did he remove the other opener LBW. 32-2.

What followed was a vicious desecration of the King’s Road temple of spiiiin, as the Fudge batsman gained momentum. Robbo watched Raju and PEJ both fail to cut off boundaries, which was annoying. Rossi watched Osman and Lax both drop batsmen off his first over, which was hilarious.

It was time for heroes, and el Capitan had decided that his hero had a shining, throbbing head. Cocken, trundling in, veins in his thick head bulging with effort, proved that it’s really not about how big it is, it’s how you use it: and he got his ball swinging all over the place. His first wicket came about from full straight bowling, the ball Cocken slapping middle stump.

The rampaging Cocken picked up three more in no time. Batsmen were swinging limply, impotent in the face of this awesome spell. A lesson to all, when it comes to aggressive shots, if it’s not on, it’s not on. There was an honourable mention for champagne moment, as Oz made up for his earlier drop with a cracking running take at mid-off.

Matt Small was watching on with interest, and decided that enough was enough, it was his turn now. He watched in agony as a dolly fell through the hands of the normally sensational PEJ at cover, but the motivation from the drop was all he needed. Next ball, he sent the off stump rocking back and came flying through on his follow through screaming like a demon banshee. No wonder that one ball later the new batsman endured the same fate. Smally was on a hat-trick, but he had to wait another over before his next ball…

No need to worry though. Legs pumping, Matt had one more special Small in him, as off stump took one final obliteration. The crowd went wild, Raju molested Small, chaos ensued – it was a Matt-trick for the house husbands favourite.

There was still time for Cocken to steal some glory at the other end. Bowling a hard ball, he kissed the top of middle stump to claim his five-for. Well bowled the Road.
Then it all went wrong.

Set 175 to win, and knowing that getting the runs for the loss of less than 5 wickets would win them the league, King’s Road did the gentlemanly thing and collapsed like a sneaky snake faced with a mongoose armada.

Cocken was first to go, triggered by Browny. He kindly decided to have a chat about it later on as Browny started his innings – classic. Also determined to dirty his match performance, Small came, he gloved his first ball, he was caught. Small and Cocken had done the hard work, now they were in danger of blowing it.

Raju was next in and was unfortunate to be bowled, but not before breaking his bat clean down the back, penance for mistiming a drive disgustingly. He was heard to tell Robbo what a ‘good sound’ the shot had made before realising the extent of the damage.

Robbo top scored with a delectable 10 from 31, carving a couple of nice boundaries away until he was caught. Sherman managed 2 and was also caught. Robbo’s mate Oli fell next, clean bowled for 3.
45-7, this was going well.

All the while PEJ was performing a stoic rear-guard worthy of mention in the Jedi archives. Defending with purpose, inside edging with skill, playing and missing with elegance, he ground his way to be second top scorer. One edge through the slips for four particularly delighted the watching Wandsworth public.

Browny was being an irresponsible bear in the meantime, smearing a four, trying to do it again, getting caught. Lax hit a four and was caught, Oz was bowled for 0 and Rossi and PEJ needed 13 an over to win the game.

With PEJ having flayed a delicious 8 from 35, the Road faithful watched in anticipation, baying for the final assault, the last stand that would lead them to the promised land of victory. Rossi had other ideas. He closed his eyes, swung and was bowled. 62 all out, a riveting run chase that saw the Road fall just short of victory.

But the day was about more than the result. Get yourself a Small, a Cocken and a rosy red ball, and nobody is safe.

KRCSC – Cladem Concordia Crescit

Author – Peter Jackson Eastwood

Author: Matt Small

Fast Bowler Extraordinaire & Media Secretary 2017