MATCH REPORT: Put the Sham-pagne on ice! Superb Road edged out by Tilford

Full Scorecard:

And in his mighty hand he didst wield his blade of dreadful power,
And he didst look upon the charming pub by the boundary’s edge with hatred,
And with a blow most terrible he did smite the glass from the window whence it dwelt,
And the bowler didst weep, and locals didst quake, and the Road didst rejoice.
Luke, Chapter 6. Verses 7-11

On a pitch best described as ‘steep’, in front of a crowd best described as ‘partisan’, the valiant King’s Road fell to an agonising defeat in the depths of darkest Surrey.

In something of a rare occurrence, Dan Sherman and his increasingly scraggly beard lost the toss, and the Road were put into bat on a pitch that had more green than a Grime MC’s sock drawer. With a cry of ‘Shamone’ and a quick grabbing of the crotch (maybe dancing, maybe box re-arrangement, hard to tell) Sham De Silva strode out to bat and made an assured start by nicking millimetres past slip for four.

Opening partner Pillai was Lax in his shot selection, and after a couple of specialist late dabs to first slip for nought, was caught at mid-on for 0. Number three Raju Mazumder carefully observed where Lax had gone wrong, and combated the challenges of the bowling by playing the exact same shot to the exact same fielder for 1. Chris Beckett strode out next, and received a gorgeous away-swinging Yorker first up to have his timber chopped asunder. 15-3, and yep, this was definitely King’s Road batting.

Jamie Keating strode out, licking his lips perversely at the sight of the short boundary. Having walloped a four he was also out caught at (you guessed it folks) mid-on. Sherman was next in. He had known he was doomed from about 11:05 that morning (see below formula), and he duly departed for 4 off a ball that spat up off the pitch.

Einstein’s first law of cricket: Marriage + captaincy + Pete watching = no runs for Sherms

The cursing cretin PJE was next in, the score 33-5. Someone needed to stick with the lonely Sham, and that is what PEJ did. He unfurled an array of economical leaves, extravagant plays and misses, and inside edged singles as King’s Road edged along. Sham was looking imperious at the other end, striking fours off the back foot and looking typically wristy.

Drinks accounted for PEJ, as he came out and was dropped twice at first slip in two balls, and then graciously hit it to leg slip instead to see if he could catch. He could.

Mo Shaboodien was the new man, and after getting his eye in he obliterated the pub window with a huge swept six. Sadly his innings ended when he hit the ground instead of the ball, and was bowled through the gate. Sham was out next, striking beautifully down the ground for boundary after boundary before being caught jug-avoiding. Matt Small scored a rapid 2 off 5 to send his strike rate for the season soaring. Chris Brown came, he saw, he creamed the ball for a humungous six down the ground, and then he too was caught. 153 all out, and it felt competitive after a god-awful beginning.

MIchael Rossi and CB opened the bowling for The Road, and there was early success as Tilford’s Bussell spooned the ball into the deep off Rossi and Breezy took a gorgeous running catch.

CB then trapped the other opener on the full, directly in front of middle stump, but the umpire inexplicably denied him his wicket. Not content with this howler, a nick caught down the leg side by Sherman was also given not out. Brown was an angry bear.

Mo entered the attack at the other end, and claimed the wicket of the other opener for 30, his defensive shot dribbling back onto his own stumps. Browny finally picked up a wicket, the now embarrassed umpire belatedly giving another plumb LBW just as a pig flew overhead. Brown would go on to bowl a heroic spell, 14 consecutive over going for just 24 runs.

Meanwhile, Mo kept whirling away, bowling Bozier, and having Cook caught nonchalantly by a one-handed, devilishly sexy, Rossi at slip. It’s been a tough season for Small with the ball, but this match saw him rediscover his mojo, and finally find a teammate who can catch. He picked up a first wicket when the batsman hacked onto his stumps, and leapt into the air with a celebration that warmed the hearts of the racially curious watching crowd. His second wicket came as the ball was launched into the deep and the superb Peter Jackson Eastwood waltzed in to take a delectable catch.

Sadly, King’s Road’s excellent over rate saw them bowl 6 overs more than necessary, and Tilford squeaked home with two wickets to spare and 7 balls to go. Life isn’t fair.

Quote of the day by random drunk woman post-match: ‘I hate it round here, they’re all horrible, that’s why I was supporting you. I’m not from round here you see.’ *looks at Smally* ‘YOU’RE definitely not from round here.’ King’s Road 1 Cultural intolerance 0.

Author: Peter-Jackson Eastwood

Author: Matt Small

Fast Bowler Extraordinaire & Media Secretary 2017

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